Visit to Bryant

Well I find myself at home....wait, is this what I call this? I am at my childhood home. My real home is three hours northwest of here, but for some reason I still refer to my mother's house as home. Every time I drive back into this weirdly familiar yet unfamiliar place it strikes me that it's not really home. I may call it that, but I see no familiar faces or places. Even my high school has changed so much, I wouldn't really know where to go. Since graduating from college, my marriage and the death of my father, this place has lost some sentimentality to me. I used to think it was the best place on earth. The best place to live...but lately I just kinda think....it's ugly. I guess it happens to everyone, but it was very gradual for me. My 'home friends' get mad at me for saying any of these things, but it's true. My best friend says, "does this mean you're never coming back to live here?" Well I'll never say never, but......

I look around and everywhere I see.....pregnant bellies. EVERY female from my close group of girl friends in high school either has a baby or is expecting one. Most of the wives in my husbands group of friends have a baby. Two of the girls I work with have babies and two are pregnant...and there's only 6 women at my work. I must say I do think about it. I am interested in it. I am even a little obsessed with what goes on during pregnancy. The way your body changes, the way you have a super-human sense of smell, all of it is interesting. BUT I realized only recently that that's where my interest stops. I am not ready to talk about breast feeding and pooping shedules. Its not to say that my friends are crazy to want those things, I'm sure its some immaturity on my part. I guess a part of my feels like I have really gone thru such a crazy time these last few years. I think I have really become myself in the last few years, like I've finally come into my own. I'm happy with who I am and I 'm comfortable in my skin. It has taken me a long time to be able to say that. Now I just want to enjoy my skin for a little while before it gets stretched around a growing fetus. Luckily my husband is at the same stage as I. He jokingly made a proposition that we would only raise dogs and horses. Part of me thinks that wouldn't be so bad. Not really, I know I will change my mind, but for now, dogs it is.

Well now that I've been about as thoughtful and articulate as I'm afraid I can be, I will tuck myself into bed at my mom's house. I will pull out some random book and read until I fall asleep with it on my face. The only thing I'm missing is my bed partner...my husband is three hours away! Where's my dog? OOOoohhhh Bosleigh!.....